Tuesday, December 08, 2009

If God asked you for advice

This is my draft of the second talk I'm planning for a short event.

Imagine for a moment that God gives you a call to ask your advice.

“What is it God? Do you want my help choosing the name of a new species or is it the colour of a new tree that’s got you stumped?”

Perhaps you’d wonder if it was an issue of world peace or solving the problems of poverty once and for all that had caused him to look you up. Of course you might be a little surprised that he called you, but once you’ve calmed down you’re ready to listen.

“I’m thinking of paying a visit and I was wondering what you thought of the idea?”

“Sounds like a good idea, what exactly were you planning?”

“I’m not too sure, what would catch your attention?”

“Well, if I were planning your visit then I think the first thing would be choose a time when communication is good. If you wait until say the 21st century there will be all sorts of communication media available to you. There’s 24 News from the BBC, ITV, Sky CNN etc. We can have you on every channel within minutes and they’ll keep repeating it every hour. That should be good basic coverage, but I think we’d need to do a bit more. You could have you own website and keep a blog. Then there’s Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, and even Saga has a social networking site if you’re particularly interested in reaching the over fifties.

I’d suggest a talk show interview and maybe even a documentary series. Perhaps a weekend with Louis Theroux would be an idea. Oh, and have you thought about writing a book or releasing a CD?

I tell you what, we could podcast your messages. Do you have access to a computer in heaven? SMS would be good too if you’ve got a mobile. There will be so many ways to communicate in those days, getting the message out shouldn’t be a problem at. We could even do a free DVD in the Daily Mail.

Having said all of that, you’d need to make a big entrance to get noticed. There’s always things happening in the world, so you’d need to make sure your visit was quite spectacular. And don’t use CGI, they got in trouble for that at the last Olympics, not good publicity. I’d suggest maybe a smoke and light show as you descend from wherever you descend from. That should get you noticed. And do it in America or Europe, somewhere well known. Don’t choose some backwater place, they’ll never get the cameras there in time. Invite a few world leaders and celebrities too. Nothing attracts people quite like a red carpet occasion with everyone dressed up for a party.

Lastly, and most importantly, avoid busy times of the year. Don’t do it at Christmas time. There’s way too much going on. People are stressed out enough doing all that shopping and cooking and eating to cope with anything else.

“So you wouldn’t arrive as a baby then, born in a stable in an obscure town in the Middle East about 2000 years earlier?

“Oh no.” you reply, “that would never work, no one would remember that.

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